i've realized that there is nothing worth killing myself over, especially somebody i was completely wrong about. my life is God's and God's alone, and i've recognized that and come to love that, cause then i don't have to worry about it. i had forgotten all the wonderful things that i have in my life, and the past few weeks have really showed me that.

i have wonderful parents that love me and care about me, care about my education, protect me, laugh with me, and are pretty much two of my closest friends.

i have two sisters that i can talk about anything with, cry with, laugh with, shop with, and who support me and love me in everything, even the mistakes that i make.

i have a fantastic boyfriend that loves me and allows me to be myself and who i am discovering every day how wonderful he really is.

i have the best friend a girl could ask for, who even though he lives 500 miles away, I can still feel just as close to him as when we lived 45 min apart and it wasn't a big deal to drive that far almost everyday in the summer. i can not talk to him for a month and then we talk and nothing's changed. i look at him and i see my past, the childhood that we spent together playing capture the flag and modeling in the backyard, fieldtrips and thursdays spent "doing school", watching his baseball games and embarassing the heck out of him, and having everything be a competition. i see recitals and promotions and birthdays and graduations, and in every one he's there. i see my future, too, because i know that if we've made it through the last 11 years we can make it through anything. we have made it through a move to england and back, through relationships and breakups, through the drives back and forth, through the miles that separate us now. and i know that he is truly, completely the best friend i have ever had and ever will have, and never more in my life have i realized that than in the last month.

i have the hottest, sweetest roommate that i can laugh with, cry with, study with (study? what's that?), who convinces me to take organic chem AND physics AND developmental bio with her at the same time and then tells me i'll PASS them all. i love her, and am incredibly excited about living with her and starting our apartment 107 adventure together. hough patrol what?!

i have been blessed with a horse, two dogs, and three cats that i can love on and tell all my secrets to.

and finally, i have a Savior who has washed me of all my mistakes and clothed me with righteousness. he has forgiven my sins and loves me more than anyone else. and he has a plan for me, for my life, and wants me to glorify Him with it. and that, i think, is the most wonderful thing of all.

i'm happy to be alive. these are the people that really matter in my life, and i'm so blessed to have them.

i've seen benjamin the last two days and i get to see him two more times before i leave and i LOVE IT. i really missed him.

BENJAMIN IS COMING HOME!!!

by this time tomorrow i will be sitting three feet away from my best best best friend in the entire world who i haven't seen since Christmas and i am SO EXCITED.

me with caleb john.

caleb is the newest member of the mate family. in case you don't know, his older brother jarod is my boyfriend (he's 4.) i love him, he is by far the cutest little boy i know. kyle is the oldest at 8, and so shy but so smart. the whole family came over yesterday to show off caleb, who was born on tuesday.

new life is amazing.

<3

texas was amazing.

yeehaw.

since the end of school, i've traveled home, to the adirondacks, alaska, school, home again, long island, florida, new jersey, new york city, rhode island, and texas. crazy.

i've been running a lot lately - every day, sometimes twice a day. i take sally with me - i enjoy the company.

sally's a derson. some dog but mostly person. i just came up with that.

rachel left saturday. i miss her a lot. we stayed up till 3:00 talking and laughing and watching a movie on her last night here. she is coming back in december to go to times square for new year's eve. i can't wait. and i'll be 21 so i can get drunk and pee all over the place like everyone else.....haha.

i'm so excited about moving into my apartment in a couple weeks. i bought a cutting board and 8 glasses at walmart for only $4. i love walmart. i also got a bright purple rubbermaid container to put all my kitchen supplies that i've collected in so they are not sprawled everywhere in the car on the way there.

saturday i went to misquamicut beach in RI with dayna and her family. they had to leave to get back for a dinner reservation but i stayed like an hour longer and just chilled by myself. nice and relaxing. it was a lot of fun but pretty crowded. the weather was perfect though, not too hot. i'm seriously tan.

thanks to ben mcdonnell for caring. i miss you buddy, i'm gonna give you a big hug when i see you and then we can go teach Jeff Chen some manners at AWANA.

the fray is playing in toronto in october and i'm totally going with josh. yesss. i love them.

i'm drinking coke out of a bottle and it's making me burp a lot. A LOT. i'm on the phone with josh right now, he can attest to it. sorry hun. :)

tonight i hung out with jackie and caroline, and ashley called me tonight and we're gonna hang out tuesday. i haven't seen her all summer and i want to hear how her trip to the DR was and catch up some. girl time is amazing. i've been getting it a lot lately and it's been wonderful.

josh is coming up thursday night and we are leaving friday for texas for the weekend. yeeeaaahh!! i'm excited, it's going to be craaaazy. save a horse, ride a cowboy.

i'm out.
10/1 on the run. (love you ash)

do you ever find yourself listening to the radio and somehow all the songs that pertain to a certain situation in your life magically play one right after another? yeah that's been happening to me, hence the two songs below. the fray has been one of my favorite bands for a while...i recommend the CD a lot. "how to save a life" is a great song.

i need a haircut badly. it's so ridiculously long, but i promised someone i wouldn't cut it till i saw them again. who knows when that will be though, so it might get down to my ankles. i hope not cause it's driving me crazy and it's only just past my elbows. i might just give up hope and get it cut sometime before school.

i wish it was last summer again.

i want to move to italy after i graduate. wouldn't that be amazing? i'm taking italian next summer and i can't wait. i want to see rome and the coliseum and venice and ride in a gondola and go to the grotta azura (the blue grotto) and i want to live in a house on the mediterranean. someday. you wait and see.

it's been one year, one month, and 27 days since i have kissed a boy.

spot is moving to a new barn 25 miles in the opposite direction from where he is now.

i don't want to upgrade my cell phone because i have 24 saved voicemails that date back to two years ago and i'm afraid i'll lose them.

rachel, the summer missionary from georgia that has been staying with us, is going home on saturday. so the one person i was able to hang out with is leaving and it will be just me and mom again.

i can't wait to go back to school now. there is nothing left in connecticut for me, except my parents and the animals and soon they won't even live here anymore.

one day at a time. i might survive, but i'll never be okay.

here i am on the phone again
and awkward silence is on the other end
i used to know the sound of a smile in your voice
but right now all i feel is the pain of the fighting
starting up again

all the things we talk about
you know they stay on my mind
all the things we laugh about they'll bring us through it every time
after time
don't say a word just give me a sign
say anything, say anything
please don't walk away i know you want to stay
just give me a sign
say anything, say anything

some say that time changes
best friends can become strangers
but I don't want that, no not for you
if you just stick with me we can make it through

so here we are again, same old arguement
and now i'm wondering if things'll ever change
when will you laugh again? laugh like you did back when we made noise till 3 am
and the neighbors would complain

i'm fallin', i'm fallin', i'm fallin' down
down, down, down
don't say a word just give me a sign
say anything, say anything
please don't walk away I know you want to stay
just give me a sign
say anything, say anything

-good charlotte, "say anything"

i never knew
i never knew that everything was falling through
that everyone i knew was waiting on a queue
to turn and run when all i needed was the truth

but that's how it's got to be
it's coming down to nothing more than apathy
i'd rather run the other way than stay and see
the smoke and who's still standing when it clears

everyone knows I'm in over my head
with eight seconds left in overtime
she's on your mind

let's rearrange
i wish you were a stranger i could disengage
just say that we agree and then never change
soften a bit until we all just get along
but that's disregard
you find another friend and you discard
as you lose the argument in a cable car
hanging above as the canyon comes between

and suddenly i become a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that don't last
i'm losing you and its effortless
without a sound we lose sight of the ground
in the throw around
never thought that you wanted to bring it down
i won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

everyone knows I'm in over my head

-the fray, "over my head"

My life is a mess. Would anyone care if i wasn't here? If one day I took one of knives on the kitchen counter by the fridge and sliced my wrists open right there and then you hear about it somehow someway. Would you wonder why it happened and do the right things and then go on with your life? Or would you wish that you could have stopped it and wonder what you could have done? Would you stop to think that maybe it was you that caused it, that by one word left unsaid or too many words spoken that you were the last straw? Would you have wanted to stop me?

Would you care?