i watched Food, Inc on Easter sunday (conveniently right after i finished devouring some delicious ham), and it really has gotten me started thinking more about what i'm eating. i guess that's the point? i haven't decided for sure if vegetarianism is the way to go yet - though i haven't eaten any meat since then. i have been given some reading recommendations that i plan to check out at the libary this weekend, and i have also been trying to find more information online. i'm also going to get austin to watch the movie with me this weekend and get his opinions on it. i have s-l-o-w-l-y been eating/buying more organic/ecofriendly items over the past few months, and that has definitely kicked into high gear lately. i love it! my one complaint, however, is the cost. why must it cost at least $1 more than non-organic foods?! in the long run, though, it will be worth it. if anyone has any suggestions of new delicious foods to cook, please share! i'm excited about this new phase of my life, and seeing where this takes me!

sometimes i wonder what the heck God has in store for my life. is this it? is this all there is? there has to be more, i just don't know what. am i destined to be a single girl who works at a retail store, desperately searching for a real job, while the rest of my friends get married, have kids, go to med school? is my best friend going to be an orange cat for the rest of my life? how to i get to a new place in life without losing my old life? where is God when i need him? why does crap happen?

at this point in my life, i've been having a huge problem with God. i love Him, i know He exists, i know He is a good God... i just don't feel like He's good to me. how do i get there?

i know i have a good, blessed life. i have wonderful parents who support and love me, great sisters, a beautiful country to live in, and a fantastic boyfriend who loves me for who i am and is committed to our relationship. then why isn't enough? why does something feel like it's missing?

lately i have really been struggling with the feeling of blessing others. you know those people in your life, even if you've only met them once or a few times, that just bless people by simply being themselves? sometimes you can even see them on tv, that they just reach out to people around them. this is what i long for. i long to have an effect on others around me in a positive way, so that others can see the Creator in my life.

i recently read sex god by rob bell. (more on this to come, as i digest it all.) one of the chapters talks about the love that Johnny Cash shared with June Carter Cash and how it just spilled over and affected the lives of everyone around them. they were able to affect all of the people that saw them perform, heard their music, watched them interact together, just by being themselves.

i want that.

i want people to look at me and say "i want to know her."

i want people to look at me and say "she is a blessing."

i want people to look at me and say "Christ is living in her."

one of my good friends was baptized while i was home over Easter, and she had such an amazing testimony to share. she has grown up in a Christian home, but the way she talked about God and what he's done in her life was like she was talking about her best friend, her lover, her other half. and that is what He is to her. i was so blessed by her outward declaration of faith, but it also really got me thinking about what ways i show that Jesus is the difference in my life. i want others to know that i am His, whether they meet me for 30 seconds or have known me for 15 years. it is something i long for and am seriously going to pray about. any thoughts or advice or encouragement welcome.


on a lighter note, i LOVED being home for Easter, even though it was only for the weekend. i have come to the conclusion that my parents can really be close friends, and being home really demonstrated that for me. i spent a lot of time just hanging out with them, and i loved it.

i also recently ran in the pittsburgh marathon, which was, in one word, deadly. lets just say i didn't go to work the next day due the the fact that i could barely get out of bed, and when i did it was an adventure just walking down the hallway.

work is work, the most exciting parts recently being 3 total hip replacements and a 6 week old river otter from the zoo presenting symptoms of distempter and broken ribs from it's mom beating it up. it was adorable and possibly the only chance i'll get to hold a baby river otter.

home again with almost the entire family and boyfriend in T-8 days. CAN'T WAIT.

my life as of now:

• i live in pittsburgh, pa, with two of my favorite people.
• i sleep with two orange cats, one real, one not. ones name is samson, the other is king louie. you can decide which is which.
• my job is to play with animal blood all day.
• i am slowly becoming a steelers fan, but will always love the patriots.
• i miss my family.
• my boyfriend is unbeatable. no, really.
• i wish this journal was filled with deeper thoughts and updated more often.
• i wrote my own version of a "bucket list" when i was a sophomore in college. so far i've knocked 8 things off the list, including, but not limited to, eating an entire meal with no hands.
• i am really really good at guitar hero.
• i never get sick. like...ever.
• TLC is my addiction.
• i can't wait to live in the same state as my boyfriend.
• i am twenty-three years old. in one way, i feel so old, in others i feel so young.
• moving to a state without a guaranteed jobs takes guts. and also a backup plan. or two.
• i crave the enjoyment of christian friends and a church family i feel at home with. it is elusive but waiting to be found.
• i miss the friendship i used to have with two of my closest male friends, and am slowly accepting the fact they won't ever be that way again...girls aren't supposed to be best friends with guys, right? growing up kinda sucks that way.
• i long to have a deeper relationship with Christ but find i lack the willpower, time, energy, etc. to really persue it. i feel stuck in the place i am in...i want that relationship, but find it slips so easily from my mind all the time. i put everything else in front, and just plain forget about God. it hurts my heart knowing that God wants me to come to him in everything, yet i don't.
• my goal this year is to find something i am passionate about and pursue it with everything i can.

until next time, hopefully sooner rather than later.

(i tend to forget i even have this journal!:/)

so i realize it's been a while, but it always is between posts so i guess that's nothing new. i am a recently graduated woman who is currently searching for her dream job and yet trying to enjoy the uncertainties of life at the same time.

during the several months of hiatus from this journal, i have encountered the death of a best friend, the heartbreak that comes with the loss of love, the stress, uncertainty and feeling of success that comes with graduating from college, and especially the joy and happiness that is found when you begin a relationship with someone that feels as if they were what you had been waiting for. i have known and trusted friends that i have learned shouldn't be trusted, and i have known and trusted friends that i have learned will always be there for you. i have learned that sisters are the best friends you can have and will always receive you with open arms when you drive like crazy and arrive at 3 am, just for a few precious hours with someone that truly understands heartbreak. i've learned that a relationship can be one-sided, and that only makes me realize the blessing of being in a relationship with a wonderful man who cares about me more than i will ever realize. i've learned that life isn't fair, that things you expect to always be there won't be, that death can and will claim everything that you love at one point or another. i have also learned the happiness that comes with the release of bitterness, the relief felt when all jealousy, hatred, distrustfulness, uncertainty, and regret are burned out of your life, never to be an overwhelming presence in your life again. i have learned that college friends are the best there are, and there is never another chance to make friendships like that again. i have learned a lot.

i'm on vacation in sunny Florida with my entire family, including Ben and Austin. i'm so excited to be spending a week with the love of my life, relaxing and just soaking up the sun and love and each other.
til next time.
:)

things i am looking forward to over thanksgiving break:

-visiting ESVC to see ryan and everyone. and play with puppies and kittens.
-teitur/kt tunstall concert in the city
-playing with LEO
-eating a ridiculous amount of food on thanksgiving and then allll the leftovers
-an amazing 5 nights of sleeping in my own bed with leonardo and sally
-spending time with sarah and mom and dad
-hanging out with benjamin and ralph
-having no homework for 6 days
-homecooked meals
-gilbert
-cutting down our christmas tree!!!
-ridiculous black friday shopping with sarah
-going to my church
-everything

I AM SO EXCITED TO GO HOME.

wish list:
new cleats
colbie caillat's cd
red heels
tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's christmas concert


went to see julian velard last night in syracuse. hot stuff. it was a lot of fun and worth the drive. even if the venue did serve feta cheese and salmon waffles. not even kidding you.

i love good hair days. i also love not having class tomorrow.

I realized the other day that I rarely use this journal as an actual journal; by this I mean that the emotions and thoughts that one typically finds in someone's journal are rarely expressed here. I'm not quite sure if this is because of the somewhat intrusive thought that there are people out there I barely know who are reading this (or at least have the potential to be reading this if they are so interested), or the more simple and probably more correct explanation that I don't have the time or mental fortitude to think about my own life and/or problems due to the fact that I am a senior in college and have more important things to worry about. This been said, occasionally I might lapse into a fit of self-examination but most likely it will be fairly rare, and the rest of the time this journal will be filled with the boring details of everyday life.

Do you ever wonder if there is anyone out there who has the potential to know you, the real you who is rarely seen or heard from, but whom you wish would appear more often? I often wonder what I'm missing when I look at other people, and also what people are missing when they look at me. I pray someday that someone will know the real me, every single part of me, and love me because of it and in spite of it. And I pray that someday I can know and love someone the same way.

Sarah and Tami came this past weekend to visit and watch me play frisbee, since Sarah can't come for our home tournament. We had an amazing time. I think the last time I saw her was the end of July, and before that was Easter. And the last time I saw Tami was sophomore year of high school, at Sarah's high school graduation. Being with them was a welcome break from the pressures of school and life and I was able to be myself in a place that rarely sees the real me. It was a weekend full of laughter, memories, and jokes that are only shared between sisters. It wasn't the most exciting of weekends activity wise, but still one of the best I've had in a long time. Sarah had only been to visit me once before with my parents, and this was the first time she had been by herself, so it kinda made me feel special. She finally got to meet a lot of my friends and get to know some of the people I talk about, which I'm glad about.

Still undecided about what to do for October break. I guess I have three options now. Or four. My mom would love for me to come home, and it would be great to be there, but I've gone home for almost every break and I feel like this is my last year to get out and go places I might not get a chance to again. I do want to see Leo, though, and see how much he has grown. I also would like to go visit Marples in Ontario, but the problem with that is that I read online that starting in October is when you need a passport to get back from Canada. Mine expired last year and I've applied for a new one, but that doesn't help me much now. I could also go to Ohio and visit Sarah and see her new apartment, because I have yet to see it and she's been there a while now. I don't know if I feel like driving that far by myself, though. Staying at Houghton is also an option, though I feel like that would be relaxing and yet very very boring, like Houghton on a weekend except no one is here and like 457 times worse. Who knows. If anyone has any suggestions or opinions on what I should do, please let me know or just decide for me.

Hot caramel apple cider is fantastic. So is cherry vanilla yogurt, chocolate chip cheesecake, Sarah Bareilles, "Over You" by Daughtry, and summer weather.
Rain, shirts that shrink in the dryer, being too far away from the Cheesecake Factory, not being able to sleep in any weekends because of tournaments, and making powerpoints are not fantastic.

smile :)

things i've learned this semester so far:

1. i can fit 8 full grown guys in my car only using the front and back seats and not the very back. this can be demonstrated by the guys on my team if anyone would like to see. i'm sure we could fit at least three more in the very back if needed.

2. just because you have your lightest credit load of any semester so far doesn't mean you have more free time and doesn't mean you should have 3 jobs.

3. there are a lot of movies i haven't seen. a lot.

4. cooking for one person really isn't all that fun. so if you ever want me to make you dinner, i'm so game.

5. jason bongiovanni is possibly one of the coolest people i know, and he and devin and mitch aren't allowed to go to tanzania next semester, cause i know i'll cry when they do.

6. putting a fishhook type object through your lip doesn't really hurt as much as you would think.

7. his smile is one of the best parts of my day

8. i miss shawn marples a whole lot..he is probably one person that though i haven't seen on a consistent basis since freshman year, i know is genuinely one of my best friends and who i know cares about me and my life. i honestly miss him more than i think he knows, and i can't wait to go visit him this semester. his random messages brighten my day like none other.

9. thursday is still transfer meal day, no matter what. i've eaten a transfer meal every thursday of my college career and this year is no different.

10. everyone is getting married and having babies. and i've learned that i'm happy i'm not.

11. making dinner for 20+ people is actually harder that one might think, but i can now say i successfully pulled it off. even if it was just ziti and not filet mignon.

12. riding 6 days a week does wonders for tendonitis. and by that i am being sarcastic. i have yet to learn why the one thing i love doing the most is the one thing that hurts me the most.

that is all for now. i am sitting listening to the sweet beats of a new song, talking to shawn, drinking a pepsi, and smiling because it's been a fabulous day, all in all. even if it was a monday. i'm starting to think that maybe mondays might be pretty good.

so my town made the cover story of people magazine this week. check it out here.
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20049444,00.html

it happened a couple weeks ago, but sometimes i still get shaken up thinking about it. i mean...the Bank of America they went to? yeah my mom does the banking for our church at that location. and the Stop and Shop in Cheshire the two men staked out looking for their victims? yeah i go there all the time, mostly at night for junk food cause it's right next to the video store. how easy it seems that it could have been me, could have been my family. scary.

i realized when i was at work today exactly how blessed i am to work with the people that i do. they are more generous, accepting, caring, and loving than most christians i know. and not a single one of them is a christian. anytime i go somewhere for the weekend, have a test, feel sick one day, hurt myself, even get a haircut, without fail every single one will ask me about it. every one. every time. in the short amount of time that i have known them, they have included me and befriended me more than people i've known for years. they invite me to go out with them, whether to a bar or a concert or dinner or anything. they are constantly complimenting everyone, including me. i can't count the number of times people have said "i'm so glad you're here. you can't go back to school, we won't let you." today i had one of the other techs tell me that one of the docters told her that i crack him up and that he is so glad i work there. what? i'm funny? they bring out parts of me i don't know exist. i know if i've had a bad day or night or have a lot on my mind, i can get up and go to work, and at 7:30 in the morning every day i can walk through the door and know instantly that within minutes i will forget about everything else and truly be myself and relax. i have laughed more freely and more often this summer than i can remember doing in a long time. even if it's busy and everyone is running around stressed trying to get things done, without a doubt there will be a laugh heard every five minutes or less. they bring out something in me that is rarely seen sometimes, and i am so grateful for it. i know that when i have to go back to school that i will miss every one so much, and i know that i will be missed, which is something that needs to be heard by everyone at some point. i am so, so blessed.

music is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. she sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her voice hiding in the volume. music is a safe place, and it is her favorite. she would rather you write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. these words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

please
i need someone
to write love on my arms

tomorrow i will get my second day off of the entire summer. and let me tell you, i'm excited.

i suppose i am not all that morose about this, considering in five weeks i have been to rochester, pennsylvania, rhode island, illinois, and long island four times. and i'm going to new jersey this weekend. i guess i can't say i'm tied down, eh?

watching the galaxy vs. chelsea kind of made me miss benjamin a lot and remember his obsession with beckham. and his hair.

also today was probably one of the best days of my life thus far. i realize people say that a lot, but really. it's true.

leo kisses are my favorite kind.


location: beep beep it's a... :)
mood: thrilled
music: "the great escape" by boys like girls

things that make me happy:
you
Leo sleeping on my lap
finally getting to see The Fray live on wednesday
Bailey and Andrew riding Spot today
welch's white grape raspberry juice
parmesan bagels in the morning
finding a car
WINNING MY SOFTBALL GAME
getting a day off on thursday
take home chef
lorelai being born and ktg being an AUNT!!!
adding three more colors of old navy flip flops to my collection. total: 13
free verizon texting
girl scout cookies
soaking up the sun

location: the basement
mood: tired and content
music: The First Day in August - Carol King

i miss you.

favorite things about today (in no particular order) :
-james dean. he is a cat at work that got declawed a few days ago and is being observed. he is white with really light blue eyes, so he's kind of interesting on the eyes. he has a great personality though, and he likes to stick both his front paws through the bars of the kennel and bat you as you walk by. he loves any attention, and it was fun to play with him all day.
-got my hair cut and dyed. i'm a new girl. :)
-spot and i had a great ride this afternoon. he listened to me well and we kind of just goofed off instead of working hard.
-had chicken enchiladas that my mommy made for dinner. mmmmm.
-i got asked to be a full time technician at work. 7:30-6 every day... i'll be replacing one of the girls who now has two herniated disks in her back and has to have surgery. i feel bad for her. i'm glad for the money, though, and the experience.
-i got my radiation badge in the mail yesterday, so i got to take my first x-rays today. gotta make sure i don't start glowing.
-ate about 2 pounds of peanut m&m's..i guess maybe that should be a bad thing, but at this point it's a little too late. :) i enjoyed it.
-i get to surprise someone with something and i'm so excited! :) i love surprises. aren't you curious now?

current mood: content
current location: my house
current music: "hey there delilah" by plain white t's

10/4

i'm tired. physically, mentally, emotionally. it's gonna be a long week.

list of random things:

1. today is josh's 22nd birthday. happy birthday my love!

2. the scariest thing about staying alone in a house is when it's dark outside and the dog begins to bark at something you can't see.

3. i love life cereal.

4. i'm in a horse show in two weeks. we'll see how that goes.

5. this list is boring.

6. i don't care, i have no brain cells at 6:49 in the morning.

7. i started looking at grad schools this week, by order of Dr. Sullivan. good thing i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up.

8. i'm really excited about visiting whipple and katie at the beginning of july. i miss them a lot and it will be a lot of fun to just hang out outside of school. and lorelai will be born by then so i get to see her!! yay!

9. i hate self-centered people.

10. i want a dachshund puppy. his name is Toby.

time for work.

not that anyone reads this anymore, but i will update for kicks. i don't promise that this will be interesting, out of the ordinary, or anything of the like. it is only me writing about the randomness that is my world, whether it is life-changing or not, and i don't care if you care or not about what is said.

on that note. ha.

i love my job. i know that i love it because on my days off i wish i was working, just because i feel like i'm missing out on so much. getting up at 6 every day is tiring after a while, especially when it ruins the fact that i can't sleep in anymore even if i try. the long days when i work from 7:30 to 6 is tiring too, but i wouldn't trade them. basically, i go into work every day and get to play with animals. i love learning about new diseases, symptoms, procedures, surgeries, anything. i've learned more in the 3 weeks i've been working there than i could ever hope to learn sitting in a classroom somewhere. the people that i work with are amazing, too. from the first day they have been so accepting, friendly, helpful, and just plain fun. michelle and ryan, two girls i work with that are 24, are so fun to be around. they include me in everything, always letting me know what is going on and explaining everything to me. everyone has been extremely patient with me as i am learning the different procedure, equipment, etc. that goes along with starting a new job. i've helped with crazy surgeries like removing a broom from a cat and taking the bottom jaw off a dog, helped a pregnant chihuahua give birth to 6 puppies, gotten to cuddle with newborn kittens, and countless other things. sure, there are parts of working at a vet i could live without, like when a dog or cat comes in that has been hit by a car, or when an owner beats a dog with a bat and kills it, or starves a German Shepherd so bad that it weighs 28 pounds instead of the 85 that it should. but that's life, i guess, and i deal with it and move on. at the end of the day no matter what happens, i know that myself and the people around me have done everything they could for whatever situation arises, and i can come home to my own animals and appreciate them all the more.

my mom and i watched Night at the Museum a couple nights ago. it's one of my favorite movies..i was ridiculous in the theater (ask josh). one saturday this summer i want to go into the city and go to the museum of natural history again. i've been there twice, but both times i was little, maybe 9 or 10. it will be fun to go back and see if it's actually like it is in the movie, since i don't remember much about it. we'll see..maybe next weekend if i'm motivated enough.

i'm housesitting for a friend this week, and it's been interesting to say the least. their dog is crazy, the house is spooky, and their neighbor is constantly spying on me. i see her staring out the window at me on a regular basis, and sometimes i'll come home and find notes on the counter saying she's been there playing with the dog or letting it out. i knew she had a key to the house when i started, but enough is enough lady. she's older and lives by herself, so i guess she has nothing better to do.

more later - off to the aformentioned house for the last night.

sooo....it's been a while. i kind of forgot this existed. my junior year is over, and i'm looking forward to what this summer will bring. i'll try to update this more often in the near future. try being the key word.

:)

well, it's been a while eh? so the semester's almost over and i haven't updated this in a long time, and there is no way i will be able to talk about everything that has happened. basically, i'm happy, happier then i have been in a long time. i love my boyfriend, love having my own apartment, love my friends and roommates, don't love the work, but it comes with the territory. there are times when i get frustrated but i mean who doesn't? i think of home often and miss it most of all. mostly right now i am trying to figure out what the heck to do with my life, but i'm not too worried about it. time will tell.

somebody once asked me whether i would give up everything i have and change my life around. i told them no, most definitely no, since i have everything i could ever want. life is wonderful.

and to you who asked: i miss you. i do, and you should know that.